Thursday, April 5, 2012

Footprints in the sand...

Another obstacle has joined us...I found out a couple days ago that I have a low lying placenta...this was at 27 weeks 2 days....Now I am 28...and the hope of it moving away from cervix is still possible but not as likely since i'm now in the 3rd trimester...From what I hear...but there's still hope...I'm not even trying to dwell on it because God has a plan and if it's for me to have another c-section, so be it. I trust Him. He had a reason for it last time and this may be the same. I just want Anistyn to be healthy and strong and if that's the best option, we will move forward with it. So that explains the bleeding I have been having. It started last Friday and was bright red but only when I wiped. Since I'm on pelvic rest and haven't been examined in a few days, we didn't know the cause. They did an ultrasound and found out about the previa which apparentely causes bleeding. Well Saturday it stopped. But came back on Monday. Thankfully again it's gone. And I haven't lost a lot of blood. I pray it DOESN'T get to that point cause if so Anistyn has to be born immediately, that's worse case scenerio.

She doesn't seem to know what's going on at all. She is a happy and content camper. Active and always has a strong heartbeat which is VERY reassuring to know she's safe inside.

Things are getting more intense contraction wise I mean. It's no longer just tightening all day, it's now getting crampy in my back and pelvis and gas pain like. I had 20 contractions on monitor at home yesterday in 2 hours. They told me I don't need to monitor them with machine anymore since I know when I'm having them. So basically, if they get unbearable, I need to go to hospital. But guess what, then it's TOO late and things can't probably be stopped. So I just have to trust my doctors and know they don't want her to come early either but staying at home on bedrest is much better than being away from my husband and daughter on hospital bedrest.

I am tired. My body is physically and emotionally exhausted. Not to mention I have no "normal" things going on in my life. I can't even take my daughter on a walk, how sad is that!? Poor thing just has to stay baracaded in the living room with me and she is beyond bored with her toys. She probably can't wait to get her mommy back. My husband does everything. He never complains. He goes to work, he cleans, he cooks, he does laundry, he feeds the dogs, does dishes, takes out trash, feeds, bathes and diapers Tynlee. I can tell by 9pm, he's ready for bed. We are all tired. This has been such a gamble and such a rollercoaster for us all.

I can't wait till it's over and we have our 2 beautiful girls safe and healthy at HOME.

I just feel like this is a HUGE testing time for us. I can't even go to church. Let me tell you, I haven't missed this much church since I've been saved almost 4 years ago. I feel so down. I try to read my bible and seek God's word and guidance through prayer but I feel distant. Distant because I feel like I need to do more, like serve Him at church. But I physically can't. and it kills me. I feel so unfaithful. and I am ready to get back to having energy, being a faithful follower, a loving wife and giving mother. I feel like all my energy goes into making myself comfortable because I am in chronic pain. My stomach contracts all day long. literally.

My uterus hates me.

I wish pregnancy was easy for me. but for some reason, it's not.

I am trying to memorize verses on fear, worry and anxiety. Please pray with me that I can fully cast all my cares on Him, cause I know He cares for us!

I have the most amazing family and friends who have offered to help us in SO many ways. Whether it's meals, babysitting, cleaning or just sending flowers and lifting us up in prayer. Bless them. I wish I could repay them. We are so blessed and so thankful for them. God is so good to us and I know He is carrying us through this trial. He carried all the world's sin on His shoulders, I know He can carry our family through this tribulation.

We will look back in a few months and realize how much we have grown. At least I hope. I rest in knowing Christ is in control. and He deserves every ounce of glory. It's times like these that I realize He is writing our story and He is the one who knows the future, not us. If we did, how scared we may be.

I just hold Tynlee and I am so thankful God brought us through the "storm" of her birth. The scary time that was. And look how perfect and beautiful she is now. Healthy and thriving. I am so thankful for her and she will always be my best gift.

So as the title of this blog is Footprint in the Sand, I know Christ is carrying us and it's only His print in the sand...not ours.

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