Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Happy 2nd Birthday, Tynlee!

I can't even believe I'm writing ALREADY about my little girl, our first born, turning two. 
It's so bittersweet.
 It really is. You become a parent and you realize how time truly does FLY. 

Dear Tynlee Anne,

Happy Birthday sweet girl! 
From the day, I found out I was pregnant with you, I cherished you. I cherished every kick, every movement, every time I got to see you on the ultrasound and when I saw you, my love for you grew even more. You opened my heart up to a love I never knew existed. An unconditionally, I'd do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING for you, little one. 

You truly are a gift. You are so so so special. I feel like we JUST celebrated your 1st birthday, and now you are TWO.

You are the most sweetest little girl, you really are. You are SUCH a people person but you have your "shy" moments. You usually will go to anyway who opens their arms to you. You try to kiss and hug every little kid you see. You are so loving and affectionate and I know you will be a wonderful and compassionate girl as you grow up. 

You always have the BIGGEST most ear to ear smile I've ever seen. You smile so big, your eyes get scrunchy. Your laugh is so infectious. You are so smart and LOVE to sing songs. You sing "You are my Sunshine" as well as all of "Amazing Grace". You love Barney and still enjoy Yo Gabba Gabba from time to time. You love to sing "I love you, you love me" from Barney but instead you say "I love me, I love me", We can't help but crack up! You are deathly afraid of loud noises like planes, the lawnmower, the garbage truck and the dogs howling. You still LOVE shower/bath time with mommy. We usually shower together every night and we have a blast. You love to eat pretty much everything. You usually eat oatmeal and fruit for breakfast or yogurt and eggs with fruit. Lunch you love PB&J, mac N cheese, or pizza with FRUIT always. You love Craisins and whole grain goldfish. You eat cauliflaur, broccoli, spinach, brussel sprouts, green peans, peas, carrots, sweet potatoes and squash every night(puree-ed) with your dinner. You love grape juice and the Naked "green machine". We always go for 100% juice only.

You love dogs. and love to watch daddy feed them every night. You stand by the back glass slider and talk about them the whole time. You say "No Charrry(aka Charlie) or "Hi Tash(aka Cash)". It brings me great joy to watch all your different face expressions cause you have one for everything. You are persistant and quite stubborn(it's in your blood :)) You adore your little sister and you really are so gentle and sweet with her. I love watching you two interact. Nothing makes a mommy happy then to see her children play together and love on one another which you constantly DO!

You dance your little heart out when music comes on and you are all about being a little mommy with your baby dolls. It's so amazing how it just comes natural. You always try to put a blanket, diaper, clothes and a paci in your babies mouth. It kills me, cause it's so cute. You say "Love you baby, it's okay, nigh nigh" to your dolls 70x a day. 

You love to say "CHEESE!" when I hold the camera up. Your a quite the little model when it comes to taking pictures. You love it.
You are such a good girl when we go to church, you love to color and play with stickers next to me in the pew and eat snacks.

You wear size 24 months-2T clothes and size 5 diapers and size 5.5-6 shoes.

Our number one prayer for you every single day is that you find the Lord at a young age. That you put your faith & your trust in Him and ONLY Him with your life. That you desire to serve Him faithfully in His church forever. 

I love you more than life itself. With every beat of my heart and from the deep depths of my soul. You are my everything. and I feel like the most blessed mommy ever that God gave you to me and daddy to raise. You are JOY and everything beautiful....

Happy 2nd Birthday sweetheart!!

We love you to the moon and back and around and around time infinity......

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Becoming a doula...

As most of you know, Stephen & I took Bradley childbirth classes in hopes of having a med-free, vaginally, husband-coached childbirth. We felt very well educated and could not wait to experience child-birth how it was meant to be.

Well, I never got my natural childbirth because both times, I had c-sections. I've come to the conclusion in my heart, that the was God's plan for my girls to come into this world and I began feeling "okay" with that. 

But after I had Tynlee, I began thinking about ways I could actually help other woman accomplish their dream of natural childbirth. I couldn't go to school for 4 more years and become a labor and delivery nurse or a midwife for that matter, my all time dream. So I looked into becoming a doula.

A doula is an assistant who provides support for a woman in labor by encouraging her to use techniques learned in childbirth-preparation classes. The word doula actually means "to serve". 

Now I feel like I have a gift. I am obsessed with labor and birth and I love every nitty gritty detail about it. I LOVE hearing other woman's birth stories especially when they are home births or pain medicine free. But I can't wait after someone gives birth to hear their birth story. 

Now I have been through it all. I've had such difficult pregnancies. I know what it feels like to have pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure, be on Magnesium during labor and after, have pre-term labor, be on medicine for that, shots of Terbutaline to stop contractions, steroid shots for my baby's lungs to develop, the never ending morning sickness, I've felt my water break, I felt an hour worth of horrible contractions that you can't talk through, I threw up in pain, I was rushed for an emergency csection, my babies were taken from me after birth to NiCus and one time--- to a whole nother hospital. 

I've experienced pregnancy, labor and birth all right.

Even though it wasn't "my ideal" situation of a natural birth since there's no way I could do that having c-sections for obvious reasons, I feel like I have a lot to give.

I have passion for birth. I want to help other woman achieve motherhood(in a sense). I want to be there for them, help them with techniques on how to cope with labor, I want to encourage them and stand along side them when their beautiful miracle enters the world.

I haven't watched a Baby Story on TLC without shedding a tear---every birth no matter how the baby enters the world. I cry every time I read a birth story. 

I know I was meant for this. It's in me. And I know I can do a good job. 

Even for those that don't want a med-free birth, I want to help. I want to help them get to that point where they can get an epidural if they chose.

I want to help a mother through childbirth at home, in a tub, or in a hospital. 

I want to be a doula. I want to help women in childbirth. 

The most amazing time of their life. 

Birth is so amazing to me.
And helping the husband coach the wife and watching them do it together, completely awesome!

I hope to start my classes soon and hopefully start getting in there and helping women in birth as soon as possible.

I will definitely need to just get my "hands wet" and get in there because I know that's the BEST, most EFFECTIVE training. 

So if your having a baby soon around here, give me a ring ;)

So pray for me as I begin this journey....

The doula I want to be:
A Birth Doula provides all of the above throughout a pregnant person's labor and delivery, as well as the immediate post-partum period, about two hours after the baby has been born. Additionally, a birth doula provides guidance in the creation of a birth plan and prenatal and post-partum visits. Birth doulas generally have an on-call period of about 3 weeks based on their client's due date.
I want to help the mom beforehand with breathing and ways to cope with labor and well as being able to help them labor at home even before they head to the hospital.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Christian sister, protect my marriage.

This is mostly written to myself as an encouragement to always remember who I'm wanting to look good for. Not myself, not my friends, not single men, not married men, but for MY husband.


I read a great and very well written post today titled 
Christian sister "please button up your blouse".
Now, the title says it all. 
As a Christian woman and a lady who enjoys going to church to worship the Lord and as a dedicated preacher's wife, I feel it's my duty to be honest about this and encourage other Christian woman to do the same & YES, button up.

Now, guys are guys. 
Christian or not, guys have to face temptations DAILY, we do too, but guys are very "physical and looks" driven. 
Now God made us sexual beings and that's why temptation is hard to resist in our very promiscuous world. And for our poor husbands, it's even harder

{But it's no excuse! We shouldn't be okay with our husband looking at another woman in a bikini or a scandalous Super Bowl commercial and him say "It's just in me babe, can't help it." That wouldn't fly with me. I would still hold him accountable of course.} 

But what can we do, as wives, as sisters in Christ, to help our men in our churches, in our community to understand that SEXY is not showing everything you got but the mystery behind it all?!?!?!?

Since our husbands already face this daily on commercials like Carl's Jr(stupid!), Victoria Secret woman who have no respect for themselves, 2 piece bikinis at the beach(basically in lingerie, right?), I mean let's face it, it's everywhere. You have no idea what the women at their work are wearing and to be honest, they are probably flaunting the low cut top and high slit skirts. 
It's thrown in our husband's face constantly. I mean yes, ultimately it's THEIR responsibility but ladies, it's OUR duty to help them not stumble.

I ask my friends, my fellow sister's in Christ, to please dress appropriately, especially when you enter the Lord's house. 

Definition of Modesty and being feminine.

Yes, we all like to dress nice and beautiful but beautiful is NOT letting your "double d", or "A cup for that matter",(Endowed or not) intended to feed your child, breasts hang out of your shirt or your low cut dress or a bathing suit for that matter that shows every curve you work hard to get. 

I encourage you to put a tank top on. 

You will NEVER attract a Christian man that way, or a good one for that matter, they like the "mystery", they like that you will save the surprise for them on your wedding night and forever behind closed doors of only you and him.... They don't want another man to know what's THEIRS!

Save the sexiness for HIM and only him. 
Who are you dressing for today? You should say your husband, future husband but ultimately the Lord. 
Your body is a temple, treat it that way. 

Summer wardrobe is another thing. Yes, I have never worn short shorts, my big legs won't allow it and I'm thankful for that because I would probably be guilty of this. Short shorts are the same to me as a super short dress. Your booty is just waiting for you bend over. Short shorts are trashy to me unless it's just you and your husband hanging out at home.
 And those spaghetti traps tanks with your bra strap showingtotally 
NOT hot. 
and the two piece bikini, that only covers your breasts and booty IS NOT MODEST. 
It's like your wearing lingerie and the whole world sees you in it. 

{Getting a tan in your back yard is one thing but not intended for the beach or pool party in my opinion.}

 I used to do this, trust me, I'm just as guilty. And i'm only being "'preachy" because I'm also writing to myself!
I wore a two piece my whole life and up until after our honeymoon. 
I wish I didn't. 
Now, I know I have stretch marks and I'm in no way "Bikini Body" ready but if I was, I would hope and pray I would find a cute modest takini with a swim skirt for our summer pool parties this year.

I know when I was dating my husband, he always told me how he loved how I dressed modestly. He said he never had to worry about what I was going to wear, he just knew. It made me feel good and it made me want to dress modestly EVEN more. And now, being his wife, he wants me to dress the same and save the sexy things for him and only his eyes.
I respect him and I love that he wants me for him and only him and that means, dressing appropriately when I go out, anywhere in public.

It's so hard with all the tight dresses and everything being so low cut and "provocative" and risque these days. 
Society says shorter the better right?
Sorry society, your WRONG.

Our husbands, our brothers in Christ, our brothers, our friends, men we don't even know, need our help. 

They need to know what a REAL woman who respects herself dresses like.

A good guy will not be drawn to your breasts hanging out of your shirt. Especially for his wife!

Quit feeling insecure about yourself. 
Quit feeling like sexy IS showing your body off. 

Men need us to cover up.

I encourage all woman to check your closets and grab some leggings and buy a few tank tops :)

Friday, February 1, 2013

Baby Fever. Sorta.

Warning: Mama vent time.....
get ready, get set, here it goes-

Baby fever, go away! I mean, seriously! I just had a baby about 8 months ago. Maybe I’m having it so much because my little Anistyn is trying as fast as she can to get out of the “baby” stage. As of yesterday, she started letting go of things and trying to stand on her own. I am NOT okay with this. I mean, it’s all WAY too fast. 

People may ask the dumb question of---"well don’t you like toddlers and don’t you like kids? Well duh. I love kids period! That’s why I want more. It’s not because I just want a baby so I guess it’s not “baby” fever, it’s “grow a family quick but yet try to stop time” fever.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved babies. I carried my doll everywhere with me till I was 12. Ask anyone who knew me. I had the real deal car seat, stroller, diapers, clothes and I would even try to put real baby food down it’s throat. Ew. Yeah, ask me how that went! ;)

When Stephen and I got married, we always said we wanted 6 kids. {And I WISH we could have 6 kids.} We or should I say, HE, wanted to wait about a year into marriage to start “trying”. Well, about a month after marriage, I stopped taking my birth control and yes, of course he knew!
I wouldn’t keep that from him. EVER.
So we decided if it happens, it happens.
Well a few month later, we found out I was pregnant. 
Our joy lasted 4 days, then I miscarried.
We were devastated.  
Never did I think that would be US.
I still felt like we were invincible and we were starting this fairy-tale of a life and it ended so abruptly
A year went by and were beginning to wonder if something was wrong.
No one in my family had fertility issues and never would I have guessed that me, the baby lover, couldn’t wait to be a mom, WOULD.

Another miscarriage happened, March 2010.

I went to my OB and we began talking about taking clomid next month and we thought it was a good idea. So I relaxed knowing it wouldn't be long.
Key word: relaxed
Little did I know, I’d never start that because we got pregnant with Tynlee. Week 4, 5, 6 passed and I was a nervous wreck. I kept just waiting to start bleeding. I was so scared. We both were. We put it in God's hands and had to trust Him and His plan for our baby.
Week 6 came and I was sick as a dog. But I didn’t care. I remember praying, Lord, give me a baby, I don’t care if I throw up everyday. ;)
 And boy, I did. Until the day I had her. 

My pregnancy was far from perfect to the normal person.
I mean up until 30 weeks or so, besides the NORMAL pregnancy things like tired, mood swings, weight gain, nausea.

Then my blood pressure began to rise.
And protein started showing up in my urine.
And my platelets began to drop.

This happened until Friday morning, at exactly 36 weeks pregnant, in the antipartum room on the second floor of Doctor's hospital, when Dr. Clare decided to induce me.

{--Read "Tynlee's birth story" for all the details of the birth experience and you will understand, or try to understand, how difficult it all was. The pregnancy was a breeze compared to watching my baby be taken to Stanford Children's.--}

We adored(STILL DO!!) Tynlee and we couldn’t wait to have another. We waited 6 months just to be sure I was healed pretty good after csection and we decided to start trying just in-case it took sometime.
Well, we got pregnant the first month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were in shock. Ecstatic. SO EXCITED.
Tynlee was only 7 months old!

And people thought we were crazy. People rolled their eyes. People were happy with us. People were in disbelief. People were excited for us.
Some thought, they are way to close. Some thought, I was putting myself in danger.

But guess what, it's not your baby and it's not your body.
So you do what you want with you family and I'll do with mine.

Everything was going routine with Anistyn.....
nausea, tired, etc. 
but now, I had another baby to care for.
YES, still a baby Tynlee was.
She was just learning to crawl!!!

Everything was great until around 20 weeks.
I started having early labor pains.
In and out of the hospital for shots of terbutaline.
Week after week doctor visits. Tests. Blood work. 
I was on medication for contractions.
Contraction monitor at home.
Blood pressure monitor at home, had to check twice a day and call them in.
At 27 weeks, I got 2 steroid shots to get her lungs to develop quicker.
I had shots for my severe headaches from my blood pressure being elevated.

It was a mess
Is this the real thing, labor, is it not????
I'm only 30 weeks!
When do we go, when do we stay???
Sign after sign after sign!

If it wasn’t contractions, it was my blood pressure.
I delivered her at 36 weeks and 4 days because my platelets kept dropping.
She spent 6 days in the NiCu but overall, she was/is healthy and perfect.

So here's my point.......
I had eventful pregnancies AND eventful births.
I didn’t get my "Bradley" birth of no pain medication or even a vaginal delivery for that matter.
NOPE. Neither time. 
I cried about it and I still do.
I want it so bad.
You have no idea how bad I want it.
I want to be in pain. I want to feel the baby come out. I want to squeeze my husband's hand cause it hurts so bad. I want to scream. I want to feel my babies head of "hair", I want to watch my husband cut the cord, I want to hear my baby cry out, I want the doctor to put that bloody, slimy beautiful being my husband and I made on my chest and I want to be the FIRST PERSON SHE LAYS HER EYES ON. 
I never got that.
And I ache for it.

Heck, I only got to see both my girls for only a .5 second before they were tossed through the NiCu window.
Then I don’t get to see them for almost 2 hours after birth and then get to hold them for maybe 5 minutes till I have to go back to my room because I’m on magnesium.

Never have I had my babies in my postpartum room.
It’s always JUST me and the breast pump.
Tynlee wasn’t even at the same hospital as me.

My pregnancies and my births are far from perfect or IDEAL.
People think I'm crazy for wanting another.
But my outcome is the same.
I have 2 beautiful healthy children at home.

And I want more.

I want to do it all over again.
And I hopefully will.
I want at least one more.

I get so upset when people say, 

“You need to be done. 
Enjoy the ones you have. 
It’s too unhealthy for you to get pregnant again, 
you might die. 
Pregnancy and you don’t agree. 
It’s too dangerous. 
Wait, wait wait.
Space them out more.”

I really just want to punch them.
It’s our family and it’s our decision.
We don’t need anyone’s approval.
We are HAPPILY married for almost 5 years.
We have 2 children.
And we raise them in church.
If we want more kids, we can have more kids.

We really have discussed being done.
But really, I can't say that, yet.
I'm not done. I don't feel done.
I'm young, i'm 23.
I have many more years to have children.
And if I want a kid next year, so be it!
I don't need you opinion nor your approval thank you very much.
But yes, you have to be smart. And I know I can't have another right now. Emotionally or physically. 
There's a lot going on in our lives. 
And my body needs a break. but that's for me to decide. and my husband of course!

The only part I feel bad about Is taking my mother in law and mom away from their lives so they can help me when I get put on bedrest etc. Yes, I think it’s TOTALLY selfish to get pregnant right now because of all that. Because it’s very likely, that my next pregnancy, will not be “perfect” either. I hope and pray it is though.

I just wish people would leave their opinions about me and the number of children I have to themselves.
I don’t judge you on your timing, so don’t judge mine.

At least I’m married, very happily.
There’s nothing wrong with having more kids.

No, I won’t die. I mean, I could. Just like every other pregnant woman could. Yes, it’s not 100% safe. But never has my life truly been in danger and neither has my child’s. 
Plus my doctor said it's safe and I trust him fully.
He just recommends 18 months.

They have always been able to get my blood pressure and contractions under control until it’s safe to deliver. 
My healing for sections is wonderful.
I need less than a week and I feel completely normal.
Usually by the time I leave the hospital.
I get up and walk pretty normal the next day.
I really don’t take my pain meds.
For sure, once I get home, I’m done with them. 

So all in all, yeah 12 weeks of my pregnancies are TOUGH!!!
But I’m not close to death nor are my children.
So having another baby for me, isn’t as dangerous and others may think.

Just because your pregnancy is wonderful and you aren't sick, no problems, go a week or two late, get numb from the waste down to push out a baby and they come out and get to be with you in the room doesn't mean your fit to have more kids. Nor does it mean, I want your pregnancy or birth experience. 
I want my own.
And I truly can say regardless of the hard times I had, it was beautiful to me.
And i loved feeling the kicks and letting my husband feel.
Watching my belly grow.
And my face puff up!
Pregnancy is still beautiful, regardless.
It's life and it's God giving you that gift of growing a child in your womb.
He's letting you raise that child.
It's a blessing. THE BIGGEST.

No I’m not getting pregnant next month, or 6 months from now or probably not even a year from now. 

But when WE, me and my husband, decide for sure we want a third and maybe a fourth, we will tell you and we will tell you proudly that we are adding to our family of four.

I don’t care what you think or if you think we should be done.
I could very easily say the same thing about you or people I know because of other reasons, but I don’t. They don’t need my opinion. They are married. and God gave them that gift of parenthood and they can use it how they wish! They don’t need my approval just like they don't need mine.

So as I just poured my heart out to the world on this little blog diary.
Bear with me.
I love my children and I would be 100% content if they were what God gave me and, only them, my two beautiful daughters. I would still feel like the most blessed parent in the world. 
But I know we have more room and more love to give
And I hope someday, we will have a third......