Friday, February 1, 2013

Baby Fever. Sorta.

Warning: Mama vent time.....
get ready, get set, here it goes-

Baby fever, go away! I mean, seriously! I just had a baby about 8 months ago. Maybe I’m having it so much because my little Anistyn is trying as fast as she can to get out of the “baby” stage. As of yesterday, she started letting go of things and trying to stand on her own. I am NOT okay with this. I mean, it’s all WAY too fast. 

People may ask the dumb question of---"well don’t you like toddlers and don’t you like kids? Well duh. I love kids period! That’s why I want more. It’s not because I just want a baby so I guess it’s not “baby” fever, it’s “grow a family quick but yet try to stop time” fever.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved babies. I carried my doll everywhere with me till I was 12. Ask anyone who knew me. I had the real deal car seat, stroller, diapers, clothes and I would even try to put real baby food down it’s throat. Ew. Yeah, ask me how that went! ;)

When Stephen and I got married, we always said we wanted 6 kids. {And I WISH we could have 6 kids.} We or should I say, HE, wanted to wait about a year into marriage to start “trying”. Well, about a month after marriage, I stopped taking my birth control and yes, of course he knew!
I wouldn’t keep that from him. EVER.
So we decided if it happens, it happens.
Well a few month later, we found out I was pregnant. 
Our joy lasted 4 days, then I miscarried.
We were devastated.  
Never did I think that would be US.
I still felt like we were invincible and we were starting this fairy-tale of a life and it ended so abruptly
A year went by and were beginning to wonder if something was wrong.
No one in my family had fertility issues and never would I have guessed that me, the baby lover, couldn’t wait to be a mom, WOULD.

Another miscarriage happened, March 2010.

I went to my OB and we began talking about taking clomid next month and we thought it was a good idea. So I relaxed knowing it wouldn't be long.
Key word: relaxed
Little did I know, I’d never start that because we got pregnant with Tynlee. Week 4, 5, 6 passed and I was a nervous wreck. I kept just waiting to start bleeding. I was so scared. We both were. We put it in God's hands and had to trust Him and His plan for our baby.
Week 6 came and I was sick as a dog. But I didn’t care. I remember praying, Lord, give me a baby, I don’t care if I throw up everyday. ;)
 And boy, I did. Until the day I had her. 

My pregnancy was far from perfect to the normal person.
I mean up until 30 weeks or so, besides the NORMAL pregnancy things like tired, mood swings, weight gain, nausea.

Then my blood pressure began to rise.
And protein started showing up in my urine.
And my platelets began to drop.

This happened until Friday morning, at exactly 36 weeks pregnant, in the antipartum room on the second floor of Doctor's hospital, when Dr. Clare decided to induce me.

{--Read "Tynlee's birth story" for all the details of the birth experience and you will understand, or try to understand, how difficult it all was. The pregnancy was a breeze compared to watching my baby be taken to Stanford Children's.--}

We adored(STILL DO!!) Tynlee and we couldn’t wait to have another. We waited 6 months just to be sure I was healed pretty good after csection and we decided to start trying just in-case it took sometime.
Well, we got pregnant the first month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were in shock. Ecstatic. SO EXCITED.
Tynlee was only 7 months old!

And people thought we were crazy. People rolled their eyes. People were happy with us. People were in disbelief. People were excited for us.
Some thought, they are way to close. Some thought, I was putting myself in danger.

But guess what, it's not your baby and it's not your body.
So you do what you want with you family and I'll do with mine.

Everything was going routine with Anistyn.....
nausea, tired, etc. 
but now, I had another baby to care for.
YES, still a baby Tynlee was.
She was just learning to crawl!!!

Everything was great until around 20 weeks.
I started having early labor pains.
In and out of the hospital for shots of terbutaline.
Week after week doctor visits. Tests. Blood work. 
I was on medication for contractions.
Contraction monitor at home.
Blood pressure monitor at home, had to check twice a day and call them in.
At 27 weeks, I got 2 steroid shots to get her lungs to develop quicker.
I had shots for my severe headaches from my blood pressure being elevated.

It was a mess
Is this the real thing, labor, is it not????
I'm only 30 weeks!
When do we go, when do we stay???
Sign after sign after sign!

If it wasn’t contractions, it was my blood pressure.
I delivered her at 36 weeks and 4 days because my platelets kept dropping.
She spent 6 days in the NiCu but overall, she was/is healthy and perfect.

So here's my point.......
I had eventful pregnancies AND eventful births.
I didn’t get my "Bradley" birth of no pain medication or even a vaginal delivery for that matter.
NOPE. Neither time. 
I cried about it and I still do.
I want it so bad.
You have no idea how bad I want it.
I want to be in pain. I want to feel the baby come out. I want to squeeze my husband's hand cause it hurts so bad. I want to scream. I want to feel my babies head of "hair", I want to watch my husband cut the cord, I want to hear my baby cry out, I want the doctor to put that bloody, slimy beautiful being my husband and I made on my chest and I want to be the FIRST PERSON SHE LAYS HER EYES ON. 
I never got that.
And I ache for it.

Heck, I only got to see both my girls for only a .5 second before they were tossed through the NiCu window.
Then I don’t get to see them for almost 2 hours after birth and then get to hold them for maybe 5 minutes till I have to go back to my room because I’m on magnesium.

Never have I had my babies in my postpartum room.
It’s always JUST me and the breast pump.
Tynlee wasn’t even at the same hospital as me.

My pregnancies and my births are far from perfect or IDEAL.
People think I'm crazy for wanting another.
But my outcome is the same.
I have 2 beautiful healthy children at home.

And I want more.

I want to do it all over again.
And I hopefully will.
I want at least one more.

I get so upset when people say, 

“You need to be done. 
Enjoy the ones you have. 
It’s too unhealthy for you to get pregnant again, 
you might die. 
Pregnancy and you don’t agree. 
It’s too dangerous. 
Wait, wait wait.
Space them out more.”

I really just want to punch them.
It’s our family and it’s our decision.
We don’t need anyone’s approval.
We are HAPPILY married for almost 5 years.
We have 2 children.
And we raise them in church.
If we want more kids, we can have more kids.

We really have discussed being done.
But really, I can't say that, yet.
I'm not done. I don't feel done.
I'm young, i'm 23.
I have many more years to have children.
And if I want a kid next year, so be it!
I don't need you opinion nor your approval thank you very much.
But yes, you have to be smart. And I know I can't have another right now. Emotionally or physically. 
There's a lot going on in our lives. 
And my body needs a break. but that's for me to decide. and my husband of course!

The only part I feel bad about Is taking my mother in law and mom away from their lives so they can help me when I get put on bedrest etc. Yes, I think it’s TOTALLY selfish to get pregnant right now because of all that. Because it’s very likely, that my next pregnancy, will not be “perfect” either. I hope and pray it is though.

I just wish people would leave their opinions about me and the number of children I have to themselves.
I don’t judge you on your timing, so don’t judge mine.

At least I’m married, very happily.
There’s nothing wrong with having more kids.

No, I won’t die. I mean, I could. Just like every other pregnant woman could. Yes, it’s not 100% safe. But never has my life truly been in danger and neither has my child’s. 
Plus my doctor said it's safe and I trust him fully.
He just recommends 18 months.

They have always been able to get my blood pressure and contractions under control until it’s safe to deliver. 
My healing for sections is wonderful.
I need less than a week and I feel completely normal.
Usually by the time I leave the hospital.
I get up and walk pretty normal the next day.
I really don’t take my pain meds.
For sure, once I get home, I’m done with them. 

So all in all, yeah 12 weeks of my pregnancies are TOUGH!!!
But I’m not close to death nor are my children.
So having another baby for me, isn’t as dangerous and others may think.

Just because your pregnancy is wonderful and you aren't sick, no problems, go a week or two late, get numb from the waste down to push out a baby and they come out and get to be with you in the room doesn't mean your fit to have more kids. Nor does it mean, I want your pregnancy or birth experience. 
I want my own.
And I truly can say regardless of the hard times I had, it was beautiful to me.
And i loved feeling the kicks and letting my husband feel.
Watching my belly grow.
And my face puff up!
Pregnancy is still beautiful, regardless.
It's life and it's God giving you that gift of growing a child in your womb.
He's letting you raise that child.
It's a blessing. THE BIGGEST.

No I’m not getting pregnant next month, or 6 months from now or probably not even a year from now. 

But when WE, me and my husband, decide for sure we want a third and maybe a fourth, we will tell you and we will tell you proudly that we are adding to our family of four.

I don’t care what you think or if you think we should be done.
I could very easily say the same thing about you or people I know because of other reasons, but I don’t. They don’t need my opinion. They are married. and God gave them that gift of parenthood and they can use it how they wish! They don’t need my approval just like they don't need mine.

So as I just poured my heart out to the world on this little blog diary.
Bear with me.
I love my children and I would be 100% content if they were what God gave me and, only them, my two beautiful daughters. I would still feel like the most blessed parent in the world. 
But I know we have more room and more love to give
And I hope someday, we will have a third......

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