Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Only You Have The Power To CHOOSE Happy.


I've lived it. I
 breathed it. 
I've felt it. 
I've been happy. 
Overjoyed. Depressed. Fearful. 
Weak. Ecstatic. 
Life.

The moment you fell in love, those butterflies that you never thought would go away, did.
But guess what, YOU CAN get them back. You can WIN. You can beat the odds of 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
Never forget the way you felt when you saw your husband at the end of the aisle waiting for you. 
I will never forget the look he gave me, never. 
The moment you found out you were expecting a baby. 
Nervous. Anxious. Excited. HAPPY.
Then 9 months later you lay your eyes on the baby you grew in your womb. 
You find love you never knew existed. 
Never forget those feelings. 
Those good times that outweigh the struggles.

BUT....

Life gets you. Life takes windy, bitter, hard turns.
It takes ugly, scary, hard to bear paths.
It goes up. It goes down.
Roller coaster of emotions.

There's good times and plenty of bad.

It's what you make it.

Who you are today, shows the life you've lived.
You have either embraced your struggles and grown
or you've let your hard times "win" and you are deep in the hole of life's pains.

I've been both.

I'm not who I thought I was going to be. 

Not like I'm crazy or anything {at least, I don't think so ;)}
but I'm different because of the challenges I've faced.
I am the way I am because of my life experiences.

As I sat here during naptime to write in my "diary".
I didn't have a plan on what to write, I just had thoughts.
Thoughts going so many different directions and not making sense.
DIfferent thoughts and things that didn't even go together.

I sit here and tell you that life wins a lot of the time.
We let our struggles, our doubts, our fears DEPRESS us 
and bring us down. WE do. No one else has the power to. WE do.
WE choose the directions. Yes, God throws curveballs in our plans to better US
and to direct us CLOSER to Him. But we choose how we will take that direction.
For positive or for negative.

Now, I've had struggles. I've dealt with anxiety.
Still do.
I've been treated badly and how know young girl should be treated.
I've been used. I've been betrayed. I've been battered, bruised, spat upon.
I've made wrong choices because of those things.
For all my highschool years, I chose to live a life unworthy of Christ.
I chose to let my childhood, my life path, WIN.

As I sit here and try my best to raise our daughters, that overwhelming protective mother instinct
is in full swing. Some look at me and say, LET GO OF THE LEASH, and I would to from the outside looking in.
But people, you gotta understand. I am the way I am because of my past.
I shelter and care to my children in a way that people look down upon. And trust me, I understand.
But don't judge and don't criticise until you walked in my shoes and been through the tribulation that once hit me.

My children, are ultimately GOD'S CHILDREN. Yes, he blessed me with them.
They aren't mine. They are HIS.and I want nothing more, like any good mom would, to protect them from the dangers,
the dirty, disgusting world we live in. SIN.

See, I know they were born SINNERS. We all were.
And we all still are.
But the blood of Christ covered my sins on July 24, 2008 when I asked Christ into my heart that Thursday night at church camp.
Never again did I have to carry around my past "baggage". Never again did I have to feel dirty, used, abused and worthless.
God made me WHOLE that night. I put my faith, my trust and my life in HIS hands. And I've NEVER regretted it.
I've never been the same because of it. I still make mistakes and I still am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but my eternity is secure.

I am a mom and a wife that gives everything I can to my family.
If I'm going to be a mom, then I'm going to give it 110% and protect my children as much as I can from life. I'm going to TRAIN them. I'm going to show them
who Christ is by how I live my life(I hope, I mean!). I'm going to show them that mommy is not the used up girl I thought I was, I am made beautiful and pure in CHRIST and in Him alone. I'm going
to show them that NOTHING else in this world matters but that they to, trust Him as their savior as serve Him their whole lives. That they marry a Godly leader who treats them with love and respect
and loves them the way God designed them to.
If I'm going to be a wife, then I'm going to be faithful, loyal, affectionate to my husband FOREVER.
Just him and only him. I'm going to show him I appreciate him everyday. 
If I'm going to profess the name of Christ, then I'm going to live my life in a worthy manner. 
I'm going to try to live in a way where I won't cause others to stumble.

Life. It gets you. It brings you down. 
It confuses you.
It hurts.
It makes you want to crawl in a hole and scream sometimes at the top of your lungs.
But there really is so much beauty in it.
There really is those times, when you are sitting around the table as a family and you are THANKFUL.
Don't let life win. Be THANKFUL every single moment of EVERY single day. 
Let your trials and tribulations SHAPE you and grow you into the God fearing woman, wife and mother you are today.
Don't be afraid to break down and cry and pour your heart out to the alter of Christ. It doesn't make you weak.
It means you have a heart and you care. 
Tell him your tired. Your worn and weak.
Tell him you need His guidance. His forgiveness. His love & protection.
He will give it.
There's redemption for us.
You don't have to carry your load alone any longer.
Toss it up to Him, I promise He WILL catch it!

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