Thursday, April 11, 2013

As I watched, once again, The Business of Being Born during nap time this morning, my heart LONGS for the natural, vaginal, home birth experience. You may be thinking how stupid, how crazy, hospital is safest, etc. but I don't think so.

 I LONG for the experience I always envisioned my births being like.
 I am SO passionate about birth. I tear up every single time I watch a TV show and a baby enters the world, my eyes start swelling with tears. 

I have had two csections. My first pregnancy was quite normal till the end where I started having signs of pre-eclampsia around 34 weeks. At 36 weeks, my blood pressure wasn't getting lower and my platelets were dropping rapidly so my doctor decided to start the induction. I felt like me and my baby were at risk. 
No bash on my doctor, I truly love him, but sometimes it makes me wonder 
"Were we REALLY at risk"? I should have asked more questions. Requested blood pressure meds, etc. Whatever I could to keep my baby in until she was ready to come on her own. I just agreed because I was so sick and miserable and I still had a month or more to go.
 Induction started and being as, it was a month early, things progressed {{SLOWLY}}
.
I was given Cervidil(sp?), Citotech, and "lovely" Pitocin.
(Not to mention, magnesium so I wouldn't seize cause my blood pressure was so high, which totally works against all those three things.) 
I didn't start REAL labor until my water broke 33 hours AFTER all this started. I labored hard with contractions being a minute and a half apart for an hour and a half until I was checked and UNFORTUNATELY, Tynlee's hands were coming out of the birth canal, which I guess, is dangerous. 
BUT.... 
I wish we would have tried pushing it back, if that was possible, not given up SO quick, or even tried changing positions to see if she'd pull it back???
 Really, I never asked. I was so scared after seeing the look on the charge nurses' face. Everything happened so rapidly that I felt like I didn't even have a voice. Tynlee needed to come out, quickly. I was already feeling some urge to push because of her hand and I was only at a 
3-4. 

I knew things would have happened quickly being as my contractions were so close together. Next thing I knew, papers were thrown at me to sign, the anesthesiologist was talking to me and I was drinking this awful sour stuff while in the midst of contracting HARD and unable to talk. I planned on a Bradley birth experiences and it already started off on the wrong foot as I was induced which is a big NO NO. 

I was excited once my water broke and my real labor started. I was sitting on the bedside toilet and really starting to feel PAIN...the pain I couldn't speak through, I was just leaning against my husband's chest as he helped me through them. But I wanted it that way. I wanted to feel EVERYTHING. And I feel like it was ripped out from under me. Not because of my doctor, or my lovely nurses, but because I didn't speak up and TRY to ask questions cause just MAYBE it would have ended differently. 

But on the other side of things, GOD knew what He was doing. 
My little girl being born with a rare {congenital epulis} about the size of a round quarter on her mouth, being born vaginally could have been unsafe for her. 

Which brings me to Anistyn's birth. I feel like that was the one I should have spoke up on. I was miserable to say the least being as I was also 36 weeks 4 days and had been contracting since 21 weeks. Multiple Terbutaline shots to stop them, steroid shots for her lungs, pills to stop the contractions at home, blood pressure issues once again, twice weekly NSTs and ultrasounds and platelets down to 108 that  early Monday morning, my doctor decided
 NO VBAC, a repeat csection. I was stupid. And I HIT myself in the head for it. 
Why did I just not say, let's just TRY to do this thing naturally. Why did I just say, yeah, forget it, let's have this baby. 
I was in NO pain. I wasn't contacting that day. I only went in for an NST and blood work. and then a few hours later, I was having a baby.

Again, it's not my doctor's fault. It's my fault. Why didn't I just ask questions. Why did I agree to a csection so fast? When I knew I would be regretting it down the road like I am now. Yeah my platelets were dropping but why can't I have a vaginal delivery because of that? You bleed MORE with a csection.

It kills me. It kills me everytime I think about. 
WHY DIDN'T I ASK!!?!?!

If I could, I would go back to school to become a midwife. 
Obviously, I don't have the time to do so now that I am a mother of two. But I am an aspiring doula. I love birth and I feel like this will be a wonderful way for me to experience the natural birth route I have always longed for. Blood, and organs and scrapes and guts from a regular surgery or car wreck or broken bones SICK me out but I am 100% not grossed out ONE bit by anything about birth. I am obsessed with birth stories and every beautiful, not so delightful thing about birthing a baby.

I research quite often vaginal birth after TWO csections. 
One csection seems VERY safe. But after TWO; a little more risky
Thankfully, I've had no post-birth complications. My scars healed beautifully.
 After one week, I felt completely normal and the second time, even sooner. I was getting around completely normal and really not taking my pain meds. I honestly forget my lovely scars are there.

I feel guilty though, when I say I wish my births were different because they were beautiful in their own way. My baby girls were born and it the most amazing day of my life BUT I wish things were different and those SAME baby girls came out the good ol' natural way.

I mean, no one wants a csection. 
{{At least no one in their RIGHT mind.}}

I want a vaginally birth after 2 csections like you would not believe. My husband is scared to DEATH to have me deliver at home. Yeah, I'm a little nervous, not going to lie. Since I have lower platelets, i'm worried about bleeding even though thankfully, had no excessive bleeding after my sections. But I would in a heart beat if he agreed to it. I would love to have my baby in a birth pool at home. And experience birth in such a beautiful and natural way. I would, 100%. But i'm his wife and the child is also his child and I can't go against what he wants. I'm not saying I wont do everything in my power to try to convince him it's safe. But I'm still not sure it is.

I need input. Cause i've heard both ends of the spectrum. I don't even know where to begin to speak to people about VBAC2. I want several opinions and then it all comes done to my convictions I guess. I can honestly say, I want to try it even though I don't know much about VBAC2 risks but only for one VBAC.

I know vaginal birth is the safest route in general but I want to know the risks involved in VBAC2. How fast I could we get to the hospital etc. Is a birth house safest? Do doctors around here even do VBAC2s? Should I use a midwife(LOVE) instead!? 
And then if I can even find a hospital who delivers VBAC2, will they let me labor and progress the WAY I WANT not by "their standards" if it's not quick enough. 

I have never yearned for something so much.
I want a VAGINAL BIRTH. I envy those that have a pain med free, natural birth.
 I want to feel the pain and pull my child out and say 
"WE DID IT"!!

A girl can dream right!?!?

2 comments:

  1. I totally understand what you are saying. I had c-sections with both of my girls.. 1st one was an emergency and the 2nd one my doc didnt even give me a choice. We will be getting pregnant again and I wondered the same thing. I would love to do a VBAC but I also want to know the risks and everything that goes with it. My scar is very small and I healed perfect. (I was allergic to the pain meds they gave me after my 1st section and was on close watch for the 2nd with different type of meds-- but they couldnt give me any of the strong stuff ,, thats what im allergic too..) But I want to experience the real vaginal birth and help pull the baby out and hold it imdiatley after you have them, and not be passed out from meds the whole day after having a c-section.
    my blog is www.adayinthelifeofhcl.blogspot.com
    if you want to follow me too =]

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  2. I know this is an older post but I just saw it :) I'm an aspiring doula too!! Everythinggggg you said totally resonates with me. I had a csection with my first and a vbac with my second. My desire for a vbac was so strong so I totally know how you feel. I don't have a ton of advice besides not recommending a VBA2C at home. Especially with your previous issues. It's gonna be extremely hard to find a doctor who will support it but I would definitely try to do it in a hospital, just in case. And now you know how to stand up for yourself more, ask more questions, etc. It's a tough situation for sure. You just really have to search around, present your doctor with research, and stand up for yourself!

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