Friday, July 18, 2014

Beginning of healing.

If you would have asked me three months ago if moving to Washington was a great move spiritually and mentally for our family, I would have hesitated saying yes. I thought moving 900 miles away from my family and friends would allow me to stay in my "bubble". I thought it would make me happy not feeling obligated to get out of the house or not having to say "no" to going to a birthday party, once again.

Free yourself from the burden that you carry, #Fear #Freedom #Courage

See, I moved away from my "comfort zone". My house, which was my fortress, my sanctuary, my safe place for the last two years. 

I struggled hard with being an introvert and a germaphobe the past two years of my life.

I tried to hide it at first. Make excuses for why I didn't do things. Sanitize my kids hands when no one was looking. Then, I didn't care who knew anymore. 

((Note: I think it's okay and VERY good to wash your kids hands after they play, before they eat, wipe down a shopping cart before putting them in, using hand sanitizer after you use a debit card machine or pump gas or touch a public door but I was so afraid of even doing that, I would avoid it all together. Now I just do it, and wash up)) 

It started getting really bad when I got pregnant with our second, Anistyn. I began to live in fear. Fear that something bad may happen to my children. I began to be overwhelmed with the "what ifs". The possibility of my children getting sick and seeing them in pain was my biggest fear. I realize, no good mother wants to see their child in pain, but my problem was, it controlled my every move. When I woke up, I thought about it, every waking hour it was on my mind, when my head hit the pillow at night, I thought about it. Instead of feeling my mind with "things above", I was consumed with fear.

It overtook my life, my marriage, my family.

I lost joy in the little things. Going to a birthday party. Play dates. Out to eat. Parks. Zoos. Stuff that was supposed to be fun seemed like a huge hassle and way too much stress, so I didn't do it. Church was even hard for me. I was there but I was so focused on watching my girls' every moves, everything they touched, that my heart was in the wrong place. The devil was working on keeping me distracted and unfocused on Christ. And for two years, he did.

I began to feel like everyone hated me. Judged me. Everyone thought I was sick and needed help. I lost friends. I lost those who I thought would love me the most. Those that truly cared for me, supported me though and loved me through my struggles. Praying for me. Encouraging me. and listening when I needed to speak.

I was in a dark place after moving to Washington.

I have lived in bondage, hooked up to chains of WORRY and FEAR for so long. It was beginning to make me sick. Physically. I felt angry. I was not being the mother or wife I wanted to be. I was losing my zeal and my joy for life. I began to question God, why am I here Lord? I bring nothing to the table, nothing good anyway. No one likes me. My husband is upset with me. My daughters don't respect me. I can barely meet their daily needs because of the exhaustion I feel. The depression. The deep dark hole I never thought I'd get to, I was there.

I guess the only way from there was to go down and check myself into a ward. Or to go up, and never look back. I WAS broken.

No one knew I was this bad. Internally. 

Stephen suggested me going back to counseling. And I thought, it couldn't hurt me right? Several people mentioned it as well. But after thinking hard on it, I thought, I don't need counseling. If I really wanted to change my life, only me and God could do that. I could and have, got the best advice in the world. Read scripture after scripture on fear, anxiety, worry and fully putting my trust in Him to protect my children. Read books on healing. But nothing, not one thing, fixed me until I was ready to be fixed. 

{Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.}


Back pedal some:

See, all my hurt started as a young girl. I was raised in a great Christian home but as a young 12 year old girl, something terrible happened to me. At the time, I didn't know the affects it would have on my future. The way I perceived myself. The way I looked at guys. My intimacy with my husband. The way I would choose to raise my girls. I basically carried around this trash bag, this dirty bag full of bitterness, hurt, and my innocence for YEARS. I made mistakes as a teenage girl and no, I don't fully blame what happened to me in my childhood but I do believe it exposed me to things at a much younger age. I had a struggle with feeling beautiful in my own skin. I struggled with feeling like I always needed a boyfriend. A boy to show me love and affection. I trusted no one. Everyone was "dirty" to me. Everyone seemed fake. Which brings me to my lack of trust in putting my faith in Christ to save me. 

It wasn't until the age of 19, two weeks before my wedding, the Lord grabbed a hold of my heart and I became His child. I thought being saved and a child of God would take my hurt and pain of my childhood away. But little did I know, it was actually the beginning of when my life changed forever and it was going to get worse before it got better.

(---We tried for two years to get pregnant and finally conceived Tynlee in June of 2010. Everything was normal with her pregnancy except for the never ending "all day sickness". When I was 34 weeks pregnant with her, I got diagnosed with Preeclampsia and had to end up delivering her at 36 weeks by emergency csection after her hand came through the birth canal during the induction. My perfect idea of a beautiful all natural birth, was out the window. She then came out with a rare congenital epulis(quarter size) coming from her mouth which she needed to be transferred to Lucile Packard(Stanford) for surgery 2 hours after she was born. So there I was, no husband and no baby in the hospital for 2 days trying to heal from my traumatic birth. That's when the beginning of my anxiety and fears really began.----)

The day I stepped foot into Harvest Baptist church, I felt healing. I felt different. I wanted and desired to start fresh. I wanted to change my life. I can tell you, for the first time in years, my kids get to hang around and play with friends after church. For the first time ever, my child went to the nursery. For the first time ever, we went out to eat at a restaurant with all three children, I took Tynlee on a date to ice cream and the mall for the first time since she was a baby. We are going camping, hiking, playing outside and in the "dirt", going to 4 day revivals at church. It's amazing we are all still alive right?

Seems silly, yes. Just normal things EVERYBODY does. But for me, it's huge. For me it's the beginning of me being a normal person, enjoying life, and enjoying watching my children be kids. For the first time in my life, I feel connected to my church. To the friends I have made here. 

God has worked wonders on my heart since moving here. I literally had two choices, to let the devil continue to win or to give Jesus control over my heart.

I still have a long way to go but I am thankful that moving here ended up being the best move we ever could have made for our family. For our spiritual life. Which is the most important.

{Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."}

I have never felt so close to Christ. Whenever I used to feel anger or hurt or worry, I would break down and have a panic attack. Now, I am learning to say scripture in my head. Let God take my worry and my what ifs. 

This is the beginning of healing for me.....

Inspirational Quote - Fear Quote - Sunflower Photograph -  mounted print wall art - Let Your Faith Be Bigger than Your Fear

{Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.}