Saturday, January 31, 2015

The unknown.

As I sit here and write this, I watch Tynlee and Anistyn dancing around the kitchen to "It is well with my soul". As I sit here and type this and listen to them giggle and the potter patter of dress up heels dance around the laminate floor, tears roll down my face. Because is it really "well" with my soul? The outcome of the blood work done on Anistyn this past Wednesday?  What if it is the worst case scenario we have been praying it isn't? The worst case, is leukemia.

See, I decided, well we decided, I would take her to doctor because we have tried everything possible to fatten her up. But instead of gaining weight, she is either steady at 22
or losing weight the day we stop giving her chocolate milk. She is in the 1-3% for weight depending on what chart you look at online.

The doctor noticed right away her short stature and pale, thin skin. She was concerned with how you could see her veins and she had a few cuts that aren't healing as quickly as normal. And her lymph-nodes are more swollen than even and ordinary sickness would bring. She told me that she suspected an auto immune disease like celiac being as she has some digestive issues. She ordered blood work which made me nervous of course.

So I took her in Wednesday for blood work. Well she acted like a pro and didn't even say a word. Not a flinch. They had two nurses and me holding her little 22 pound body just in case but quickly realized, it was unnecessary. "Not even adults to this well!" The phlebotomist joked. I almost cried out of pure amazement, as proud as a mom could be, I hugged her right and assured her how brave she was and how proud I was of her strength and cooperation. We rewarded her(and Tynlee) with a milk shake AND sucker.

I was more nervous after blood work that I was before because now the results are in. No turning back. See, I stalled taking her for so long because of my fear of finding out, silly I know cause yes, it's much better to know and get it taken care of but I was worried for all of this stuff to happen.

Now we sit here and wait....

Wait all weekend till Tuesday at 9am, when will finally have an answer.

We've gotten a few tests back but have no idea how to read them.

We know her white blood cell is higher than normal. Her platelets are higher than normal(weird cause I have low platelets). Her vitamin b12 is high and her Creatinin level is low. Celiac was negative.

So I've tried to control myself with researching what these results could mean and I've found some alarming things that make me nervous. Trying with everything I have to think on things above and not worry. But my carnal mommy nature, does worry and will worry because worrying is what I do. I'm scared. Scared for her. Scared it may be worse case. Scared our lives might need to change some.

As a mom, you would literally do anything you had to do to take this from your child. And without a doubt I would, in a heartbeat. I want her to be well and thrive and grow and absorb properly all the nutrients her body needs to grow. I want her healthy and I want it now and this is so hard for me to be patient and wait........

As I was driving Annie to the doctor, "God of angel armies" came on the radio and her little sweet 2.5 year old voice, with all her might was singing "WHOM SHALL I FEAR? I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, the God of angel armies is ALWAYS by my side!"

Wow, if that doesn't give me peace.....
When I am weak, it's amazing how He uses our sweet children to show us and remind us who really is HOLDING US. Who loves us more than we can even fathom. Who already knows the outcome.
So much peace overwhelms me....

No fear can overtake me....cuz perfect love casts it out!!

Trusting in Jesus today. And thanking Him for these beautiful Saturdays we get as a family just doing nothing, laughing and playing.

Each day is a gift. and I'm thankful God chose me to be Anistyn's mommy cuz she brings me more joy that she will ever know.